So I spend a lot of time thinking about this new family. About how my Dad has no interest in any of this. Why? I also realize that I still try to get him to pay attention to me. It’s in different ways now. When I was a kid, I thought that maybe if I was just quiet and not annoying he’d like me. I thought distancing myself from him would make him miss me. Nothing ever worked. I’m adult now, I still don’t get how he isn’t so interested. I have a family. I’m happy.
Turns out, I have to let go of the little girl but I’m not so good at letting go. I’m still annoyed with my 6th-grade teacher for calling me out that one time in math class. I still get annoyed when I think of how Matt was so mean when we broke up in 5th grade. I’m still annoyed with myself that I married a creep all those years ago. I’m still annoyed with myself that I don’t take better care of my body. This last year has been slightly different on the dad front though. I am finally maturing and realizing he wasn’t in a good place. His partner of over 30 years died the day after his 70th birthday. She wasn’t a good person. She especially didn’t like my dad to have relationships with his family. She was profoundly awful to my brother and just plain awful to me. Not to mention his family stopped inviting him to holiday meals and celebrations. I realize she had a grip on him, so tight, that he lost a big part of us.
It probably seems like a little thing to many, but I am 43 years old and my dad has called me maybe a half dozen times, ever. This has always been hurtful. I started texting him randomly in the last year or so. I figured I have something so precious that he doesn’t, maybe I should just be kind because I’m not sure he knows how to have relationships outside of short-term or his partner. My kids are so great. I think I am worth knowing too. He and I both have a hard time on the phone, so I get not calling, even though it hurts. So why don’t I just send texts? Ironically, he has texted me first a few times since July.
I’ve been showing him I exist. I’m showing him that I have a family. I’m showing him that I want him to know about me and my family. I realize that he might see his existence in a very different way than I see mine. My biological parents chose to have me. He thinks his biological mom didn’t want him. His dad died when he was just a boy. His mom died. His wife stopped wanting to put up with him. His family was always broken. As an adult, I get what he meant when he accused me of things like taking my mom’s side. I get why he might think the best he could do was the partner he chose to be with for over 30 years.
He just turned 70, is it possible he is starting to see the value I might add to his life or that he has missed so much or that he has alienated so many people that cared/could care for him? Who knows, but the little girl inside me will always hope he wants me in his life. It’s been hard for me to find value when my own dad doesn’t see my value. The last couple of months have been different, and I am grateful he has started to notice me.
We were once so cute. He looks like he likes me here.
Where Does That Red Hair Come From? 