So Much to Add

There is so much to add today. We are about 10 weeks into self isolation during a pandemic. The kids haven’t been in school since March 13 and I have been overwhelmed emotionally and that becomes physically.

In the first week of the pandemic, my aunt of only a few years, reached out to check on me. I mean, awesome. I mean, can you imagine the connection is that strong for all of us. It’s been really wonderful to know I have people out there that are thinking of me.

I struggle every day. I have ADHD-I which has lead me to a life of insecurity. My parents divorced at a young age and I was left with a lot of a different kind of insecurity. They didn’t have time for my feelings. My ADHD-I meant I didn’t have time for my feelings. This has left me with a lifetime of not understanding my own brain. I was diagnosed in my late 30’s. This means I have lived with this and processed it as MY inability and something that was a deficit in my intelligence instead of knowing it’s my brain.

My husband and I have been married for 13 years – the other day we argued about something and he was all – “I’m so frustrated with you not remembering anything.” And I looked at him and said, “imagine being me.” It all ended there. He got it. I am grateful. I am 44 years old and still struggling with so much. He is the only person I trust to share these feelings. I am so grateful to have him as my warrior in life.

The more I learn about me and my ADHD-I and how it’s affected my life, I have realized I have parents who can’t connect. They have their own issue’s that have affected their ability to be my parents. For so many reasons I shut down to feelings. The worst is that I allowed the negative feelings in the most. What bothers me and also lifts me up, is that my sister got the mom I could have had. I think about this all the time. She got the mom who was available. She got the mom who had the supportive husband. She got the mom who had a lifestyle and friends. She got the mom who was free from the life changing stress (and dating). I admire deeply the person my sister is and know how things could have been different for me, had I been diagnosed and had a stable home. I will do it for myself before I die. I will be stable and confident one day soon.

Knowing all of this, I try to be a different mom to my redhead. I try to share stories, struggles and shield her from the difficulties and judgments I was given as a child.