Ten years is a long time. Ten years is a short time. When I was a brand new mom I listened to the podcast, The Longest Shortest Time. It helped me on so many levels. It helped me feel normal and less alone. Being a new mom is complicated and filled with doubt. I was undiagnosed with ADHD still. The feelings of shame when forgetting something, the sleep deprivation making all of my symptoms worse and working to still be a great mom to my super sweet little boy was so hard on my soul. Jonah was always such an easy-going kid. He did not enjoy sharing my attention when Stella arrived. I felt terrible about that quite often because he rarely complained, he’d just look so disappointed. Not to mention the hormonal shifts your body goes through after giving birth and learning how to breastfeed again. It was all so hard and the ADHD made it so much harder.
When I look back on 10 years out of my 46 I’d say these have been the years with the most personal growth. I have come to learn about my authenticity. I have learned about disappointment and how I can let it go. I have learned that I do not need to be anything but myself, most of the time. I have learned to let go of the concept of perfection and to see the beauty in imperfection. I have learned that I am smart. I have learned that I am smart and I have ADHD and that both can be true. I have learned to set boundaries. I have learned to recognize my ADHD and how to use it to my advantage and how to work with the parts of me that medication alone can’t adjust. I’ve learned that ‘perfection’ was getting in the way of being great. I have learned to ask questions and for help. I have learned that my kids are such a gift. I have learned that my kids can love and hate each other at the same moment and it’s ok.
I have also learned that I allowed myself to be taken advantage of and abused. I have taken great strides to fix the broken parts of me. Some of those parts are so shattered that they can’t be fixed, let’s be clear, but I am healing.
I find joy in watching my children grow. The last few years have been such a huge challenge and they are both settling into the schools they started in the fall of 2019. I find joy in learning how to support them by asking them and hanging out with them when they allow.
Where Does That Red Hair Come From? 