Always Worried

Aren’t we all always worried about how we are screwing up our kids? My kids are 14 and 10. In ‘Corona times’ I found myself noticing my screw-ups even more. I am sad. I am letting my kids down. I don’t know how to lift me up, how on earth can I lift them?

There are so many things I am disappointed in myself over. This turns out to be a very ADHD thing. So many of us undiagnosed until adulthood live with this engrained expectation that we are a failure. I can remember my mom’s anger and disappointment so very well from never getting good grades. Incentives didn’t work, nor did punishment. It wasn’t that I didn’t care, my brain wouldn’t allow me to get shit done. It made me feel like I just wasn’t ever going to be good enough. No matter how hard I tried, when it came to a test, everything I ever knew was outside, with that proverbial squirrel and I couldn’t retrieve it. I know that I am smart, but I can’t shake the feeling of never being good enough, even when I try. The funniest part of all of this, I have a Masters’s Degree. I received awards at my graduation.

‘Trying’ to an ADHD brain is so different. This video cracks me up and it helps illustrate the difference between lazy and being someone with ADHD. ADHD is a neurological deficiency. This is not something you can change by trying. ADHD brains lack the neurotransmitter norepinephrine. For some, an easy solution is medication that ups their dopamine. For some, it can be controlled with diet and exercise. For me, I just don’t know yet. Getting help for ADHD is quite complicated. The medical insurance field continues to think it’s a psychological disorder. Until it’s considered a medical diagnosis, it’s very expensive to be evaluated and treated. More to be sad about, right!

Another joy of ADHD is knowing all of this and feeling paralyzed in how to move forward, because it takes time and money, and follow through. ADHD is paralyzing when feeling overwhelmed. I love this image

This is me. It has always been. Whether I was in class, at home, at work or in a social situation. I get overwhelmed in the details and by what I can’t do. I can write down the steps. I have gone through trying different meds, but they have never been coordinated with help. The reason I don’t get coordinated help is because, as I mentioned above…it’s considered a psychological disorder, when it’s actually a neurological diagnosis. So I can get meds from one person and ‘therapy’ from another. Which generally also means either more time off from work or more time away from my family. I have never been directly treated for ADHD.

I wonder every day what it’s like to feel normal. This morning, I listened to the podcast Awake with Rabbi Lauen Holtzblatt and the episode was called “Cultivating the Soul”. I found tears in my eyes listening to the Rabbi’s calming voice and her words of finding God in small things. I very rarely find God in anything. But her perspective and words this week found me realizing what I need to accept and that I just need to move on. She also had me realize that I crave this type of learning. I also realize that I can slow down, I do not have to move 110mph all the time and especially, I need to notice and cultivate my soul, but I don’t need to do that alone.

Moving on is also hard with an ADHD mind. I have spent years thinking and expecting specific things from my parents/family that I never got. I think I need to do some forgiving of them and of myself. We all come with tools and we can maintain those tools to the status quo, or we can fix the tools, maybe even get rid of the tools and buy new tools. ‘Scuse me while I cry and get rid of some of the tools that no longer work for me. Hopefully, they will be tools to share with my kids that will give them confidence in themselves.