I hadn’t realized how much of my life I lived avoiding being a burden. As a woman, as a child, as an employee, as a friend, as a mom, these are all roles I’ve had where I do my best not to be a problem, to be amenable, and to put my feelings aside for the sake of others. Holy moly, that’s a lot to process. I can’t even remember what podcast I was listening to when the host dropped this concept. I can’t stop thinking about how this applies to me.
It’s so interesting to open our eyes with new lenses. Viewing the actions of my day-to-day and interactions with others from the perspective of ‘am I doing this because I don’t want to be a burden’ is so sad. Avoiding being a burden is heavy in concept and practice. When I look back and observe my childhood as an adult with this new perspective, I can see how this is reflected in how I behaved as a teen and young adult. When you feel that way as a kid, you don’t do a lot of advocating for yourself, but you might find ways to be seen, even if it’s not the ‘right way’.
How does one begin to feel like a burden? I don’t think it’s fast. I don’t think it’s clear until you step back. There is only one person I call to chat. I always thought it was because I have a hard time connecting over the phone. When I asked my mom why she doesn’t call me, she said I don’t want to bother you. So clearly, I was taught that our presence is a burden. My dad never called to talk, ‘it wasn’t his thing’. Neither of my parents called me to chat.
I know I have spent a lot of time not communicating with family, and I realize that it’s not just because of my ADHD and that time can go by without realizing it, but because calling after a lot of time makes me feel like I’m burdening others with me. Just me, I am not enough, what’s happening in my life doesn’t really matter. That just sucks.
As a side note, my Daylist on Spotify is playing Put on Your Sailing Shoes just came on. How did the universe realize it started with that relationship? I can’t squarely blame my parents for wanting to live their lives. And there is the issue, I didn’t want to be in the way. My dad always had food in the house I could make my own food, so I wouldn’t have to wake him up. On one hand, independence is fabulous and I believe it is a fantastic thing to give your children, on the other hand, he literally saw me for 48 hours a week, and half of that was sleeping. Come to find out later in life, those weekends were also the weekends my mom and her new family were gathering. “Cousin’s weekends” would happen without me, only as an adult realizing my outcast status within that family. When I asked my mom about this, she said she assumed I wouldn’t want to go.
As soon as I went to college, communication with most adults in my life stopped being significant or meaningful in the sense that I felt included. I always had to ask about milestones and to be invited to those celebrations. At some point, one stops asking and moves on. It still feels as crappy as ever to know that your family has a whole family without you as a part of it. I do know that since about 2022, I have taken myself out of the equation when it comes to one destination, and that lack of connection will always be my fault. I also accept that I don’t need to be who they want. If I am a burden, then I will relieve them of that burden.
In the last few years, I have actively not reached out to family. And no one steps forward. I’m not sure why I continuously go back for more connection, but I do. It just sucks to not be wanted.
Where Does That Red Hair Come From? 